The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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