Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
