you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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