i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
