Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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