Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize