she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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