Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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