would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
