She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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