but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
