I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
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If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
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And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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