Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
