maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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