matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
