This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
