I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
