I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I just want to make out with him forever
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