Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
