I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
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