FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
