I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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