The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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