he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
