hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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