i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
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