Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I need to calm my uterus...
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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