u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
But break dance skills will only take you so far
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
