his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
