who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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