i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I need to sanitize my soul.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
