I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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