The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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