Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Randomize
