I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
