OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
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