OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
