Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
