Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
