You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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