Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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