Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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