Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
