clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
