Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
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For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
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Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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