i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
