you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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