the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
