I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
