i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
