How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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