i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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