Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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