The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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