I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Randomize
