I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
